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Tales From The Westside
Here's a sneak peak at some astonishing new products being cooked up inside our nation's software kitchens...
Not much time for your honey? Or, worse yet, too many honeys and not enough creative energy to keep stringing them all along? Fear not, for Cad Resources, Inc. plans to release LovePoetry Writer 1.0 in time to handle all your holiday gift- and card-giving needs.
For the first time, all you need do is fill out an electronic questionnaire with basic facts about your sweetie's likes, dislikes, hopes, assets (two categories: physical and financial), and major personality characteristics. In seconds, this program searches its gargantuan database of gorgeous love poetry that no one has ever read for pithy ditties and pieces them together into a breathtaking sonnet just for your huggy-bear.
Not ready to commit, but want to keep the option open? Not to worry -- LPW 1.0 can be configured to stick to flowery but vague verbiage that will charm the socks off Dollface even as it keeps him/her guessing about your long-term intentions.
Even delicate cases, such as an STD or preexisting marital commitment (PEMC), are no problem for LPW's powerful propaganda production engine. Now, for the first time, you will be able to have your cake and eat it, too.
The software will export poetry directly to your printer or in text-only format for easy import into other word processors and page layout programs. A new "InstaFax" feature not only allows you to spit your pretty words directly into your pumpkin's home or office patch, but even allows you to broadcast fax transmissions to as many pumpkins as you have stashed all over the world -- customizing the poetry for each!
Have you ever run into someone whom you recognized, but whose name you couldn't recall? This marvel will end both those worries forever.
A hardware-software combination consisting of a miniature electronic camera, memory unit, earphone, and microphone, the Name/Face Database can be worn almost anywhere without fear of detection.
Operation couldn't be simpler. As the user encounters new people, the camera electronically photographs them while the microphone records their name as they say it. This information goes into the memory unit itself, where it can be later augmented by pertinent biographical and personal information such as a subject's birthdate, age, and sexual preference.
Later, when the same person is encountered again, the camera photographs him or her and the memory unit whispers the person's name into the user's ear through the earphone. Bye-bye "Uh, I forgot your name!"
But what if the person looks different? you ask. Not to worry, as the NFDB's advanced circuitry can recognize almost anyone, even in the cases of a deep tan, a new hairdo, weight loss or gain, or plastic surgery. (The unit can even alert you to such changes, if you wish, so you'll always be ready with gushing compliments or cutting sarcasm.)
Of course, the unit can be set to recognize faces only on your voice command, using a simple comment such as "Oh, look who's here!" -- very helpful for retaining sanity in large crowds full of vaguely familiar people.
The exceedingly polished Version 2.0 of the NFDB is actually the first available to the general public. (During the rigorous testing of Version 1.0, a glitch emerged that somehow prevented the unit from recognizing anyone stepping out of a taxi or a plane, which rendered it useless for welcoming out-of-town relatives or ex-lovers.)
Running on Apple's portable Newton platform using a microphone (supplied) and advanced speech-recognition technology, The JokeMeter will make you the "life" of your next party, political convention, or funeral.
The product couldn't be simpler: via the microphone, the software monitors the level of sophistication of the conversations within a ten-foot radius of the user. After three minutes, it displays a list of up to five jokes that the immediate audience will find funny -- guaranteed.
The JokeMeter's joke suggestions can also be set to various levels of offensiveness, from "just a little off-color" to "enough to get you thrown out".
Using the same technology, a sister product, The LineTester, can determine which lines can be used to attract or repel various members of the opposite (or same) sex.
Are you a constant victim of commercials, infomercials, and PBS Pledge Drives? Well, with SuckerSafe 1.0 wired up to constantly monitor your heart rate, blood pressure, right-brain activity, and credit line, you can wander safely down the corridors of commerce knowing that you will be alerted well before you pull out your wallet.
Professional advertisers, propagandists, and brain-washers know that every person has their breaking point, after which they will buy anything -- absolutely anything. SuckerSafe's high-pitched alarm will warn you as soon as it scientifically determines that you have reached your breaking point and are about to reach for your cash.
The unit can even be set to administer a low-level electrical shock which will prevent you from moving at all until you are calm and once more thinking rationally. And you can wire up your kids, too -- let them watch all the Power Rangers they want without worrying about littering your floors with useless tie-in products!
Note: SuckerSafe 1.0 is being adapted for use with the preceding three products to form a highly advanced warning system that will keep smart consumers from succumbing to the charms of would-be Casanovas and/or Jezebels. The combo product will be marketed as WilesWary 1.0 and be available just in time for the next round of holiday parties.
This just in...
I was sposed to go up to camp all summer but after like two weeks they closed the camp because it was sposed to be on a lake (the camp) but the lake was all drieded up and there was no water in it hardly just some mud and I wanted to stay cause I think mud is pretty cool but they said the mud was dangerous cause you can slip and besides there would be moskeeters and I said but water's way more dangerous than mud cause who ever drowneded in mud but they closed the camp anyway so I came home.
My mom was so excited I was coming home that she cleaned my room all up and made the bed which I didn't even know how to do so I didn't sleep in it for the first two nights because I wanted to learn how it looks so I could do it myself later but I got tired of sleeping on the floor so I got in bed.
While I was sleeping on the floor I looked under the bed and there was a couple pairs of man's shoes and I said that's weird cause my dad doesn't live with me and my mom because he's not married anymore (to my mom) so whose shoes?
I asked my mom about the shoes and she said oh they must be your father's and I said but the feet are way smaller than Dad's and she said well men's feet swell as they grow old and I said but shoes don't and she said well just give them to me and I'll see that he gets them.
I saw my dad in July for a few days when he came into town on business (I don't know what that means but when he's on business he lets me watch all the TV I want and I can stay in the pool at his hotel like all day if I want except then I get sunburned and my mom says why'd you let him stay in the sun all day and Dad says I was on business and Mom says then why did you take him and they start yelling and I watch more TV).
I asked my dad about the shoes and he said I haven't set foot in that house for five years so why would you just find the shoes now and wouldn't the dog have chewed them by now and I said we have a cat now not a dog cause Fleabiscuit got run over like two years ago and he said oh yeah you sent me a picture so now I still don't know whose shoes.
The cat's name is Pipsqueak cause she squeaks when you step on her but she's too fast to step on now so I just call her Pippy and one day I found her in my closet with a man's tie in her mouth that she was playing with and I took it away because I thought she might strangle on it (her not the tie) and I thought it was really ugly (the tie not her) and I showed it to Mom and she said it must be your father's and I said but Dad's ties were nicer and she said I'll just give it back to him and I said shouldn't we wash the cat spit off it and she said she would.
There wasn't much to do around the house so I started going to the park every day with Pippy and I kept her on Fleabie's old leash because the other dogs in the park were always on leashes but the first day we went Pippy saw a bird and that was it before I knew it my arm was pulled into a really pointy bush and there were sticker things all over the bush and I was bleeding and had to get stitches but Pippy was all right even though she went into the bush first and I was kind of mad at her cause of that but she was too fast to step on.
After the stitches were taked out I went to the public pool and I took Pippy but she didn't like the water and she started to fight me and I didn't want more stitches so I didn't bring her next time and I looked at the pool and thought it was fun but it would be way more fun if it was all mud instead.
My mom took me to Disneyland and she took this man too who looked big enough to take himself to Disneyland and I didn't know why he needed my mom to take him but he was okay but when we were in line at the Matterhorn I saw he had big feet and ugly clothes and I asked Mom to see if maybe those were his monster shoes and his ugly tie and she laughed but she didn't ask him so I did and they both started laughing and I didn't know why but then we got on the ride so I forgot to ask what was funny.
The Disneyland Man started coming over for dinner which I thought was weird because he looked old enough to make his own dinner and use the dishwasher without breaking it and stuff so why did he need my mom to make it for him so I asked him and the next night he made dinner instead which was okay even though it was kind of burnt but I started to wonder if he didn't have his own home and that maybe my mom was taking care of him like a lost puppy so I thought how sad that he has no home and no toys and ugly clothes so I offered to let him mess around with my Power Rangers action figures and he said maybe later but I checked later and he still didn't touch them.
Once he even slept over and when Mom said he was going to I said he could sleep in my room cause I got bunk beds and I can only sleep on one of them at a time so he could use the other as long as he doesn't snore but she said they had something else figured out but she didn't say what and they stayed up too late for me to find out.
The Homeless Disneyland Man (I forget his name) started sleeping over more and more which was okay except some days when he would use up all the milk for his coffee and I wouldn't have any left for Puffipop Flakes which are real good but if I eat too much of them before school I always end up going to the principal's office I don't know why but I'm okay when I just eat one bowl but Diz made it so I didn't get any only a banana.
Me, Mom and Diz went to stay at this place at the beach for like two weeks which is pretty weird because we don't live too far from the beach anyway but it was really cool because I could stay out in the water as long as I wanted and most nights even though there was a kitchen where we stayed Mom was sick of cooking and I didn't really want to deal with Diz's cooking and neither did she so we went out to dinner and I got to order pretty much whatever I wanted as long as there was some vegetable in it but Mom finally said carrots counted as a vegetable even though they didn't used to but maybe now they make carrots that way.
At the beach place I said Diz could stay in my room because he doesn't snore but Mom said he was going to sleep on the couch in the living room and one night I had to go to the bathroom and I looked out in the living room and Diz wasn't there so I figured he was out taking a walk and in the morning I said how was your walk and he looked at me funny.
Mom's more fun now and I don't know why but she started wearing this stuff that makes her smell like flowers only sweeter than flowers and I think Diz makes her wear it because she only wears it when he's coming over and she smiles a lot more and stuff but I think I'm allergic to it (not the smiles the smelly stuff) because it makes me sneeze and I was pretty much sneezing right up till school started and I know if I stayed up at the lake I wouldn't be sneezing but at least Mom's more fun now.
What I believe...
I just got ahold of the new fall line-up for the major networks. Even though it may not exactly match what you find in your TV Guide, I assure you that the information is up-to-the-second accurate.
The mantra for this fall, I have been informed, is "Capitalize on our strengths".
Check your local listings.
When the big kid across the street makes me cry,
Big Brother makes me laugh.
When Mom makes cookies,
Big Brother saves me the bowl to lick.
When Dad drives the car,
Big Brother tells me where we're going.
Big Brother took me to school on my first day.
He showed me how to swim.
He even helped me build a tree house,
So I don't mind if he sometimes uses it by himself
And doesn't let me climb up.
Sometimes Big Brother is too tired to play,
Or too cross, or mad about something.
Then I play with the puppy
Or my dump truck
Or I make stars out of popsicle sticks
Until Big Brother feels better.
He always does.
Big Brother warned me that too many green apples would make
me feel sick,
But I didn't listen.
He told me that pulling the puppy's tail would make her mad,
But I didn't listen.
He reminded me that it was Mom's birthday,
But I forgot.
So he told her that he told me the wrong date.
Big Brother does things that I would never think of doing.
Big Brother knows how to start the barbecue.
He knows when the hot dogs are cooked,
And when it's time to flip over the burger,
And when to put the cheese on so it gets gooey but not burnt.
Big Brother can throw a football farther than anyone
Except Dad.
He can swim across the pool in the park more times than anyone
Except the lifeguard.
His milkshakes taste better than anyone's
Except Mom's.
He can juggle four tennis balls.
Everyone else can only do three.
I can only do two
But with one hand.
Everyone likes Big Brother.
His teachers give him A's.
They never send him home from school.
He's on the baseball team
And last year he was named "Most Valuable Player".
I think he'll get that again this year.
But the best thing about my Big Brother
Is that he calls me his "manager".
He says that managers give people ideas on how to be good people.
He says they're very important.
He tells everyone that his manager (me) gives him excellent advice.
And that he owes all his success to me.
He says that I'm as good a Little Brother as he is a Big Brother.
He calls me his "MVLB" (Most Valuable Little Brother)
Even though I'm the only little brother he has.
He makes me feel like the Biggest Little Brother ever.
Don't you just hate it when a friend of yours is part of something really awful and you know that they're dying to hear your true opinion -- but would die if they ever heard it? Here's a guide to cruelty-free honesty.
LOGGING ON TO BUDDYBOARD -- THE FRIENDLIEST BULLETIN BOARD IN TOWN...
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PASSWORD CHECKED... YOU ARE CLEARED FOR LANDING (HIC, HIC)...
You've got mail!
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Welcome to the Mailroom!
FROM: FussBuget@url.com
SUBJECT: Daily Gossip
MESSAGE: We haf 2 talk everything going 2 hell no time now when can U meet? Lunch or somthing Job suks Marrige dead Brother gay (HIV- thankgod) but that setup is nogo now U need roomie? Lets talk talk talk!!!!!!!!!!
Sunshine & smiles
Fussy
SAVING...
FROM: OvrByte@briteeth.com
SUBJECT: Checkup Time!
MESSAGE: Dear Patient:
Our records show that it has been 4 year(s) since your last dental checkup.
Don't you care about your teeth? For all you know, they may be the only attractive thing about you. Why not make the most of your meager assets by taking care of those pearlies tomorrow -- while you still can?
So it's been 4 year(s) since a professional has looked inside your mouth, huh? Lord knows what's growing in there. Now you know why other people are so good about respecting your personal space.
Give us a call at 1-800-SPITSNK, or e-mail us at the above address. And keep smiling!
DELETING...
FROM: Lewdicrous@loveline.com
SUBJECT: Reply to your personeal ad
MESSAGE: I downloaded your photograph off the LoveLine BBS. Normally I don't do that sort of thing but something about the way yuu dexcribed yourself made me think that we could be friends? so I gave it a shot.
When I saw your picture i couldn't stop stareing. I kept coming pack to it again and agean and rereading what you said in your ad about looking for a lifepartner to talke walks with and such and I said thats me. Friends only part ias fine w/me, 2.
I printed out your picture and stared at it for three days streaght, not eating or sleeping, which was hard to do because I work at a burger stand. They fired me but I don't care because now I have more time to look at your picture and dream abeout all the luchious things I wold like to do withDELETING...
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Welcome to JokesOnLine!
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CATEGORY: Sexist (1 of 4)
JOKE: A man and a woman are on a elevator when all of a sudden the elevator stops, so the guy saysEXITING...
CATEGORY: Scientific (1 of 3)
JOKE: How do amoebas communicate? By cell phone.
CATEGORY: Scientific (2 of 3)
JOKE: How do you make friends with a microbe? Don't worry -- he'll grow on you.
CATEGORY: Scientific (3 of 3)
JOKE: When you go to the park, where do all the amoebas hang out? On the slides.
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LOG ON AGAIN SOON!
The following is an actual transcript of a conversation that took place between a Customer Service Operator at Chinky's Chicken Palace and an irate chicken fancier.
Her: Good afternoon. Chinky's Chicken Palace Customer Service. My name is Nancy. I just moved into a new apartment in a better neighborhood and I'm attending night classes for my MBA. How may I help you?
Him: Hello? Is this Chinky's?
Her: Yes it is, sir. How may I help you today?
Him: I just got food poisoning. I think I'm dying.
Her: Very good, sir. At which of our over five hundred Chinky's locations in nearly every major metropolitan area in the United States and Canada did you obtain said food poisoning?
Him: I don't know -- the one downtown.
Her: Downtown which city, sir? As you may know, Chinky's proudly serves up fresh juicy flame-broiled chicken almost anywhere you go --
Him: Uh, Cleveland. Downtown Cleveland. God, my stomach.
Her: Is that our Chinky's location at Third and Main, the one on South Street, or at City Center?
Him: South Street, I think. Does it matter? I just coughed up blood.
Her: Very good, sir. I will report your comments to the management of our South Street restaurant. Which of our luscious tempting tender chicken recipes did you choose?
Him: I don't know! I'm having palpitations.
Her: Was it our Original Recipe, the Golden Sunshine Honey Roast, or the Extra Crunchy?
(Silence.)
Her: Sir?
Him: Original, I think. I'm sorry, I blacked out for a moment.
Her: Original Recipe, very good. Now, sir, what is the nature of the complaint?
Him: Death. By poison. (gasp)
Her: Your death, or someone else's?
Him: I'm not dead yet...
Her: I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot report a death unless someone has actually died.
Him: I'm about to.
Her: I'll record it as "discomfort".
Him: "Severe discomfort." "Extreme discomfort."
Her: "Severe discomfort." Has anyone else been affected, or just yourself?
Him: Just me. Will this take long? 911 should be here any second.
Her: We must complete the report.
Him: I just want to warn others so my death won't be in vain. Could you close down the restaurant?
Her: Not without either a judge's ruling or a coroner's report.
Him: You'll get both if those paramedics don't come soon. What happened was one of the girls behind the counter --
Her: We prefer to think of our employees as "associates".
Him: I think she put a curse on me.
Her: We discourage our associates from using offensive language.
Him: She threatened to turn me into a frog!
Her: Threats by any of our associates toward a customer are grounds for suspension or dismissal. Can anyone corroborate your story?
Him: My skin is turning green.
Her: What shade of green, please?
Him: Who cares?
Her: It's for the report.
Him: You've got witches working for you!
Her: That's rather drastic.
Him: Look, the girl --
Her: Associate.
Him: ...associate threatened me, handed over a bucket of Honey Roast, and I --
Her: You said "Original".
Him: What --
Her: Earlier, you said you ordered "Original Recipe". Now you're saying "Honey Roast".
Him: Does it matter?
Her: The report has to be accurate.
Him: People could be dying!
Her: Were there witnesses?
Him: No. All the other associates were in the kitchen huddled around a large cauldron.
Her: A cauldron is not standard equipment at Chinky's. All of our restaurants are outfitted with only the most modern fixtures-
Him: It was a cauldron. I know a cauldron when I see one. Steam was coming out and the other girls were dancing around it and tossing stuff inside.
Her: Impossible. Dancing is absolutely prohibited in our kitchens.
Him: They threw in a salamander!
Her: Our kitchens are vermin-free. Perhaps an associate tossed a spoon into the dishwasher.
Him: It was wiggling! God, I need a glass of water.
Her: Did you say something to the associate at the counter to upset her?
Him: I told her I wanted cheese bread instead of a biscuit. She brought me cheese bread anyway, and she got mad when I pointed it out. Hold on -- (glug, glug)
Her: Did she threaten you before you received the food, or after? Could you have eaten anything else that might have upset your stomach? Are there any frogs in your family?
(Silence.)
Her: Sir? Sir? Does your lineage contain any frog DNA? I've heard that frog DNA can --
Him: Ribbit.
Her: Sir? Is there something else I can help you with?
Him: Ribbit.
Her: If you like, I can send you a coupon good for a free four-piece dinner at any Chinky's location.
Him: Ribbit.
Her: Very well. Good day to you, too. (hangs up)
Him: Ribbit, ribbit
The following interview took place over cof-fee at a very dark javahut somewhere on Ventura Boulevard. Auteur Luis Cristal, clad entirely in black, consumed approximately one and one-half gallons of Tahitian Roast and spoke with an unplaceable European accent.
Cristal: That is right.
Cristal: Yes, I did not.
Cristal: It is Black.
Cristal: That is what it is!
Cristal: Get what? What sort of interview is this?
Cristal: My film is enigmatic.
Cristal: It is unknowable. Black is the very essence of the unknown.
Cristal: Black. No color.
Cristal: No white. Only black. The absence of reason!
Cristal: You cannot see. It is black.
Cristal: Very little.
Cristal: There is music. Four minutes of music.
Cristal: There are words, yes. Dark words.
Cristal: What is language?
Cristal: I cannot say. It is not English.
Cristal: Yes. They are black.
Cristal: That is my intention! There is five minutes of Not English.
Cristal: Ninety-two minutes.
Cristal: Not nothing! Black!
Cristal: I do not know yet. Somewhere isolated. I must be completely alone! I must have total silence.
Cristal: Only if there is a way to poison the forest creatures.
Cristal: Only at night. And the tent must be black.
Black opens citywide all too soon.
Here is a transcript of my recent live interview with scrupulously scrupulous auto dealer Dick Gremlin.
Gremlin: A whole bunch.
Gremlin: Ever stop by Cadillac Dodge?
Gremlin: No, there I sell Dodges. Cadillacs I sell at Dodge City Cadillac.
Gremlin: Dodges.
Gremlin: The dealership's on Cadillac Street.
Gremlin: Hell of a street.
Gremlin: It's nuts. I have to dodge traffic when I cross over to get a sandwich.
Gremlin: No, I want a sandwich.
Gremlin: I just want a sandwich!
Gremlin: I'm happy.
Gremlin: I'm buying.
Gremlin: I don't sell sandwiches -- I buy 'em. When I'm not dodging traffic.
Gremlin: Fifteen.
Gremlin: And Cadillac Dodge.
Gremlin: It's outdoors.
Gremlin: Which one?
Gremlin: A couple.
Gremlin: Well, over there by Lincoln Park I sell Mercuries -- that's the Lincoln Mercury outlet --
Gremlin: Of course not!
Gremlin: Lincolns I sell over on Mercury Avenue.
Gremlin: "Gremlin Lincoln".
Gremlin: Unless you want to buy a Gremlin.
Gremlin: Sometimes. I just send them over to my place on Honda Road.
Gremlin: No, Hondas.
Gremlin: Naw, that's way too confusing. "Harley Honda".
Gremlin: After the cross street.
Gremlin: No, Hondas.
Gremlin: Don't make -- only sell.
Gremlin: All kinds. Big ones, little ones, speedy ones...
Gremlin: Which brand are you looking for? Maybe we can make a deal.
Gremlin: Ah, there's a beaut! The Rolls Royce of cars!
Gremlin: No, but people keep thinking I do.
Gremlin: You just mentioned Jaguar.
Gremlin: So?
Gremlin: That's the slogan -- "Jaguar is the Rolls Royce of cars."
Gremlin: What's your point?
Gremlin: You can't. Not from me.
Gremlin: I do not. Terrible cars. Always in the shop.
Gremlin: Not so good.
Gremlin: The public just doesn't know what it wants.